Wednesday, March 02, 2011

WIP Wednesday

Wow, it feels like a year has gone by since last WIPW.  I know the rest of you are like what, it was just yesterday.  Amazingly enough, I did make some progress on my sweater.  I'm putting the knitting progress first, for anyone just here for the knitting.

This sweater makes my breasts look like flat blobs.  I thought of ripping back and putting bust darts in, but screw it.

I can't remember if it was last Thursday or Friday he had the bronchoscope and while that was going on, I ripped the sweater back.  It was really therapeutic.  This is the time, I was sitting out here angry at that anal nurse, Rip.  This is time I was so frightened when they took him down to Cat-scan, Rip.  This is the time I was angry at that nurse again, Rip.  And so on.

I'm glad I raised the breast line.  The past few days I haven't been able to read to him with so much going on. When things get quiet, I sit there, knit and just let him rest and heal.  Any stimuli right now raises his blood pressure too much. Depending on how the week goes, I should have it almost finished by next week.

How many years can one person age in a week?

My biggest WIP at the moment:

To let you know, I'm eating more now than before D got sick.  Not junk food.  I have a sandwich in the afternoon and something cooked at night.  I've never eaten breakfast since I was a kid.  I have a couple Trisquits for breakfast.  I'm sleeping between 7 and 8 hours a night.  Believe me, I can't afford to miss a meal or an hours sleep, other wise I would just fall down.  Last night was cheap box mac & cheese (I used real butter and half &half with added real cheese. That counts, right?) a can of stewed tomatoes and the last two pieces of Banquet chicken.  The chicken was mostly for the cats, I hate thighs, but did eat a bit.  My grandmother used to make box mac & cheese with stewed tomatoes when I was kid and I needed some Grandma comfort food.  Tonight, I think I'll make chicken and rice. (another Grandma like comfort dish, which will have leftovers)

This morning I woke up an emotional wreck.  I woke up ten minutes before the alarm and burst into tears that I could have slept another 10 minutes.  Then I broke down at the thought of going up there yet another day.  Just make it stop.  After I made coffee, I thought about that anal nurse coming back today.  Broke into tears, no, no don't let him have her, I just can't deal with her today.  Called up to the hospital to see how he did over night.  Found his day nurse is someone he hasn't had, but she's been in the room helping out and always comes in to check on how I'm doing.  I hung up and wailed again, out of relief.

I opened a message, how are you doing?  Waaaaah. Then I started crying about the fact I was crying.  This isn't PMS, this is my one good week.  Betty gave me a hard time and I sat in the middle of floor and cried about that.  Up at the hospital, I started crying about going into the room and seeing him like that, yet again.  The palliative care nurse came in and I broke down again.  I got it together after talking to her and his nurse.

I'm just that emotionally and mentally spent.  It's not like I can just take a day off.  If I didn't go up there for a day, then I worry about what was going on.

I'm holding off judgement on the new attending as he's just getting his bearings.  He's seems like he is going to be more conservative about when he will take off the vent.  He said the O2 has to be way lower than 55%.  His metabolism has to be balanced (renal dropping the ball for a couple days).  He has to be alert and a couple other minor things.  He said about 2 weeks and then he said maybe a week.  In a week, a new attending will be on service. They have, I think, 6 of them.

His dialysis didn't go very well last night, they only were able to take 2 liters off.  I think the nurse kept him well sedated and that makes his bp go down and it doesn't go well.  They came back first thing this morning to try again.  The day nurse took my advice on little things I've observed over several days and we were able to keep his bp up enough without it going to high or too low.  I hope he has her again.

The anal aggressive nurse was there.  She smiled at me when I walked past the desk.  I thought go ahead, smile and wave just don't talk to me.  I can't deal with you today. I didn't mention this before. That Sunday, when they thought he wasn't going to make it through the day, she inserted herself into his personal business where she didn't have any business inserting herself.  We really locked horns and she was trying to bully me.  She said, if he dies in the next 30 minutes, you could face problems a year or two from now.  To which I said, then I will deal with it then.  Then I said,  If he lives when he comes out of this and you make me do what you are trying to bully me into doing, he will come here and punch you right in the face.  He doesn't hit women, but he will make the exception for this.  That's when she begrudgingly backed off.  I found out she called the social worker afterward, who refused to get involved in that matter.

When she did get close, she just commented that she like my knitting and went about her business.

I'm a little better than I was this morning.  I will probably put anything important that happens this evening in tomorrow's post.

Thanks for stopping by and commenting.  I know you all would come bring me food and other stuff if you were closer.  Thank you for the kind thoughts.


Cookie said...

The sweater looks better now. I'm so glad you decided to rip it back.

I'm so happy to know you are starting to take better care of yourself. I know it's so very hard right now, but you have to keep going. Let the tears follow, honey. There's no shame in them and keeping it all bottled up with kill you.

I'm so proud of you for standing up to that nurse. I hope she leaves you alone.


melbatoast68 said...

Don't let anyone push you around!!! I know, like tha's going to happen. Just remember that you know D and those people in the hospital don't and you know what he'd want you to do. So be the brazen babe I know your are and tell them all to kiss your behind! Cry when you need to cry. You're under a lot a stress and it has to have some sort of outlet and killing anal nurses and overbearing doctors will only get you into trouble.

Now, I have to say that the sweater looks 100% better since you changed it. I'm glad that it was therapeutic as well.

Take care sweetie! Sendinyou lot a of love!

Marushka C. said...

The sweater looks very nice. I'm glad it's keeping you good company during all this difficult time with your husband. No wonder you're feeling emotional and exhausted. I hope the week ahead will bring good news for his health & your energy.

Tami Klockau said...

The sweater looks so great now, Denise!

Good for you telling that nurse off! How dare someone try to bully you into something at such a hard time. Unbelievable! I hope he's doing better tonight. It's good to hear that you're trying to take care of yourself, eating decent and getting a good rest. You need it! HUGS!

Rudee said...

Another day with ups and downs, but it sounds like he did OK. 2 liters is 2 liters. Hold up a two liter bottle of soda and see what I mean. Nothing to sneeze at.

And though I advised you to leave the sweater as it was, I'm secretly glad you ripped and re-knit.

Keep hanging on tight! You sound like one of the strongest women I know.

autumngeisha said...

It's good that you are keeping up your strength by eating better and getting enough sleep. Hang in there! You are your loved one's advocate and do not let anyone persuade you to do anything against your better judgement. Sometimes health professionals can be bullying, condescending and generally hard to deal with. It's healthy to let your emotions come out, so keep on crying, blogging, knitting and ripping (although the sweater is looking good, so maybe rip something else!)

nursenikkiknits said...

I'm glad to hear you are looking after yourself. (I think that mac & cheese with tomatoes counts, but then I alternate between cereal and popcorn for dinner when my husbands's away : )
I'm glad you are standing up for yourself too. Keep calling it how you see it, good and bad.
I think your sweater is looking great. The yarn looks really lovely.
Tomorrow we start 24 hrs of travel. (What fool would have booked that? Oh wait...oops). I'll check in when I get back. I hope things are looking up by then.

CraftyCripple said...

The sweater looks great. I bet you are glad you ripped it back.

I'm pleased to hear you are eating and sleeping well. At least you have given your body a good start on getting through the day. I think because you had such an emotional day yesterday you will probably feel purged for a while. Sometimes your body just says NO MORE and you can't stop sobbing. Then you have alleviated that pressure and can carry on for a bit longer.

Keep on truckin' honey. I'm so proud of your strength, I hope you are too.

Daniele said...

You look simply beautiful in your sweater WIP. Keep the food going in!

This world would be a lot better without nurses such as Ms. Anal... Why go into the nursing field if you have no compassion?

mutantsupermodel said...

Wow, I am new to your story but wanted to tell you, hang in there woman! You'll get through just fine and so will he.

And hell yes rip that knitting if you have to. Sometimes it's just the process that helps more than any finished project.